Don’t Tell Her Your Name, Kimmy!

Contra III to common belief, I am not Alien to the meanest levels of punnery. It is, after all, a basic part of the speedrunner’s parLance! I know this kinda stuff can result in Flame Wars, but that’s only fitting, because this game isn’t TOO far away from a frame one. Improving (by six seconds) on hotly contested runs like this is indeed living in Reset City. Sometimes you have no clearly superior strategy and runners might take risks in different parts of the run. Just don’t Spread out too thin or you know who’s paying the Bill! At the end of the day, you’ll be able to say: “I did it Skyyyyyyywwaaayyyyyyy… or the Highway!” I know what you’re thinking: “UFO real bro? You’re killing it!” Of course some may be regretting the fact it’s not a Suicide Kill.
Ledge Skip ahead a bit now. In most action games, the guy’s motivation is to get the girl back. The hero charges into the building, carries her in out his arms, Laser down on the grass… not the case here though. So what do you get from a good orange tree? Good RNGs. Now that I’ve brought up food, the Nesting to mention is good table manners. Elbows off the table, empty your plate and don’t Gargoyle. Besides what’s demonstrated in the 0:12:11 run on easy, there’s various kinds of lag management: fly overnight, avoid stimulants, pre-adjust sleep cycle… And just Rest. Someone rattling their Doritos? Don’t worry, a peaceful time will come! ‘TheDrifter18’ is the runner here, the Star of the show. Wait, “Star”? Oh, that must have leaked over from…

Ristar! (You can leave the [self-]loathing to me BTW.) Right, so here’s one we desperately need to vivisect: Rise-Star? Rising Star? An up-and-comer? I wonder if this star feature was aware of his grim prospects around the Japanese launch of February ’95? His authors at the Sonic Team (presumably those who made Sonic but what do I know…) decked domestic shelves with a game by the extended title of Ristar the Shooting Star… and there verily are no parts two or three – “for various reasons” says one of the directors. That’s as hilariously self-fulfillingly ironic as they get, guys, despite some re-releases and mostly flattering reviews.

In-game you control what’s effectively both a “rise” and a “fall” star with Bionic Commando arms and a propensity to head-butt (a word with hardly a synonym; “pate-smack” will throw people off in a fight though). If you can see through the characteristic elements of other 16-bit platformers, the feel is of a more puzzle-oriented game that apparently doesn’t faze the casuals but certainly will the ambitious lot that is us folk. Skilful maneuvers abound (the game even gives you a so-called “technical bonus”!) and again we must beseech Lady Fortune for further expedition. ‘Chubbus’‘ is an improvement of 42 seconds over a run you saw in 2009, so you have no excuses for skipping it (and the 0:28:05 run doesn’t need any!).

When it’s time to show ‘n’ tell, some kids go for cool points with like a toy lightsaber, or their pet frog Honda. Or clever points if they were given the letter ‘U’ and they brought a flashlight, pointed it at themselves and smugly announced “Umbra!”. That one overlaps with the easygoing-no-future points which you get for an article of clothing you’d normally be wearing anyway, or the book you just finished reading… aloud… with the whole class. Then there’s sheer provocation. Flags, banners, manifestos, religious insignia, poetry and a fake Hitler moustache (or, well, a real one) would all fall into this category, slightly depending on where exactly events are taking place. Now we’re talking about case Michael ‘arglefumph’ Gray and the sobering discussion we need to have with their parents over the Detective Barbie 2: Vacation Mystery they pulled out in front of everyone.

While today they may have just groggily (and I realize I’ve inadvertently made argle’s family sound like they’re all alcoholics, which wouldn’t surprise me at all actually) picked up the wrong item off the table in a rush having overslept, if we examine his records, an alarming trend will leap out like a crouching cheetah. While it started innocuous enough with Nancy Drew, that stalwart defender of justice who’s 5% sugar and spice and 95% moral fiber, we started treading dangerous waters with The Pagemaster… and now this?! Look at her! She doesn’t even blink! The others blink, why does she not blink?! Why is there always a beach? Why is Ken such a surfer dude? What is everyone’s substitute for food? Please somebody take action, I implore you! IsraeliRD, who was in class at the time, has this to say: “I wanted to mute it within a minute of just listening, and was really sick of it as it kept going.” One of the kids pulled their cellphone out and managed to capture this 0:11:21 footage that has already been delivered to the authorities.

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Source: Speed Demos Archive

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