My First Nine Games

Super Mario Bros.

I tried to figure out the buttons on the NES controller for a few seconds too long before getting killed by the first goomba because I hadn’t learned jumping yet. Twitch viewers would have been losing their shit.

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

I kinda sucked at it; I never progressed very far. I spent most of my time jumping around in the towns (safe from random encounters) and tried not to deviate from the safe path when I was out and about. Those little dark shadows in the overworld freaked me out!

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Video Game Adventure

Being a popular movie, it was of course made into a frustrating little game that dominated much of my time (purely due to fanaticism). The world felt more open and varied, there were two protagonists, and there were a bunch of funny weapons to throw at royal ugly dudes.

Space Shuttle Project

It rounded out my growing library by introducing a different kind of gameplay that still holds up, and would probably work surprisingly well as modern mobile game. Too bad the in-game music stressed me out so much. I think it contributed to my palmar hyperhidrosis.

Paperboy 2

The game where you deliver newspapers and get in trouble with the law for failing to do so properly. Seriously, officer! There was a guard dog chasing me! Gargoyles shot electricity at me! There was a ghost! Like, an actual ghost! I tried to deliver the papers, I really did!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II

I was a Ninja Turtles kid. Watched the show, collected the action figures, had the playsets. Launched plastic pizzas everywhere. I didn’t have a copy of TMNT 2 to call my own until much later in life, but you could bet your entire Pog collection (slammers too) that I was at my friend’s house every afternoon dropkicking Foot soldiers.

The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout

There were walking mallets…and walking clocks that exploded…and telescoping robotic things that squirted…something. There were soap boxes, too! Walking soap boxes that shot bubbles! You hit them with a big hammer and they went sliding away! No…no…I’m not ready to go yet…there’s so much more to see….it’s….it’s full of stars….

Adventure Island

You play a guy who finds a skateboard in a giant egg and proceeds to cruise along through a beautiful island murdering animals. I guess you’re rescuing a princess or something. I just learned this very moment that the main character’s name is Master Higgins. He does kinda look like a Master Higgins.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Even though the movie scared the living crap out of me, I rented Who Framed Roger Rabbit? from time to time. I don’t know why. It’s not particularly fun. I guess I just liked rifling through everyone’s drawers, looking for clues. Punching rabbits is fun.

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